Work lately has been hard. Really hard.
In the fall, our department found out that we would be part of a new unit at our university. New leadership would be brought in to handle the restructuring and the future. It was made clear that in the restructuring, jobs would be lost. We were told that every one of us would have to apply for the new jobs, as our current jobs would cease. Hard news to hear.
As the months passed, our close-knit department moved from shock, to speculation of how things might work, to impatience, to denial of how much would really change. I think we might've gone through the stages of grief backwards. Most of the time, we were honestly just too busy to really think about it. It weighed on the back of my mind, coloring my memories of the school year with a foreboding gray. I convinced myself that "change could be a good thing" to battle my fear.
I have spent the past few months vacillating between stressed (will I have a job?) and impatient (why the heck don't I know yet whether I will have a job?!). Finally, I felt at peace with either outcome.
In the past few weeks, we've seen the new leadership more, applied and interviewed for the new positions, heard words like "streamline" and "automate processes," and waited for the other shoe to drop. Last week, it fell.
I have a job.
Many of my friends don't.
Work lately has been really hard. Emotions are high. People are hurting...and sometimes hurtful. I'm grateful to be employed, but the whole process deeply impacted my belief in the institution. I struggle to be excited about the new opportunity. I grieve for my friends and for that special something we had as an office that has been crushed by the changes. I know the process is for the long range improvement of the school, and I do believe some change was needed, but I wish I could see the end goal. I don't believe any person or institution deserves unquestioned faith. I ask "why" a lot.
But God deserves my unquestioned faith. And even when most of us just want to be out of the whole situation, God is in it. In the mess. I've been clinging to a quote Tim Keller wrote in Prodigal God: "When you see what God has done for you, it makes the worst times bearable and the best times leave-able." I'm starting to really appreciate the many months that I've spent over the last year struggling with breaking out of the sinful thinking that my job somehow defines me...that it is not enough...that I am not enough. My job doesn't define me and --poof! -- I could lose it tomorrow.
What God has done for me is all I have.
