So that I will remember.

It's been a hard year and we are facing some uncertainties ahead.  That's not a bad thing -- it is a blessing for God to remind me that I am not in control!

We don't know where we will live after John graduates because that will depend on the job or residency he secures.  Currently he is set to interview for 5 programs -- 2 of them are in Nashville, 3 are out of the middle TN area.  Whether/where the job/residency is will dictate some of our immediate future plans, such as where to live, where I will work, whether we would have leave our amazing church, and especially how -- or if -- I will be able to complete my masters program and additional courses needed for TN state certification.

It's actually kind of exciting -- on days that I don't feel incredibly tired from the past few months, I am thrilled at the unknown, at the chance to start a new chapter together.  On the tired days, it is a little overwhelming.  

I heard this song today and wanted to post it here so that I remember the truths that it holds.  When my heart is tired, it can be very forgetful of God's faithfulness.  Gratitude teaches my heart to remember.

Sanctus Real "The Redeemer"

 Sometimes I just wanna start over
'Cause everything looks like a wreck
And I need the courage to carry on
'Cause I can’t see what’s ahead

And there are places I’ve wished I could be
Battles I’ve wanted to win
Dreams that have slipped through my hands
I may never be back again

But I’m still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I lost my faith in so many things
But I still believe in You

Because You can make anything new

Sometimes I just wish we could say
All the things that are easy to hear
Ignore the injustice we see
And explain every unanswered prayer
 

But I’d rather speak honestly
And wear a tattered heart on my sleeve
'Cause in the middle of my broken dreams
Redemption is here

And I’m still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I lost my faith in so many things
But I still believe in You
'Cause You are the answer, the Redeemer

Oh, I’ve given up on too many things
But I’m not giving up on You
Because You can make anything new

I don’t have every answer in life
But I’m trusting You one day at a time
'Cause You can make a weak heart stay alive
Forever

And this is where heaven and earth collide
I lift my hands, I give my life
This is how my weary heart stays alive

Oh, I’m still a dreamer, still a believer
And You are the answer, the Redeemer
Because You can make anything new
Yeah, You can make anything new

More of the same

I wish I could pop by and update and say that all is well and everything got better after the last post.  But I can't.

The truth is I'm still stressed...still having a hard time adjusting to the changes in my role and my department...and still just plain ol' exhausted.  Work is really hard right now.  My job isn't a particularly natural fit for me, so I often feel like I work and work and work...and end up back at square one.  It's like continually feeling a bit behind and a little bit scared of what each phone call might bring.  Can't say I don't occasionally indulge a panic attack or depressed mood :)   

School is pretty tough right now too.  You know it's not a good sign when the professor starts the class with "I'm so glad this class falls in the summer so that you guys aren't working right now and can spend the time on this class instead" (most of my classmates are teachers and therefore have summers off).  Unfortunately -- well, fortunately for our rent! -- I am working, so it has meant a lot of late nights and time spent in the library.  I'm currently on page 72 of an assignment due tomorrow, and I have a good bit left to complete this evening.  (It is already officially the longest assignment I've ever written -- especially written within 3 weeks!  I think that my reflections assignment after foreign study in 2006 was about 60 pages, but that was reflecting on a semester's worth of experiences!)  I do enjoy and see the usefulness of what I am learning in this course - and the whole program.  I'm really optimistic that this might be a good long-term field for me in future years, but I'm a little apprehensive about job prospects and red tape after speaking with a librarian friend of mine recently.  She wants out - to have babies and avoid the bureaucracy and pressure of high states testing.   (An aside: I hate to see people who are gifted and passionate educators that are absolutely great at what they do, burn out or give up due to the culture of public education sometimes.)

Home life, while incredibly loving and supportive, is a little hard to come by these days, what with my weird workload and school-load, and John's weird schedule on his current rotation.  He's in bed by 9 pm and up at 4:30 am these days (like an old man) so he can make it to his rotation at Vandy by 6 am every day.  We haven't gone to sleep or gotten up at the same time in a month.  But, we've made a point to try to hang out every night, even if we only cross paths for an hour or 2 in the evening.  The other night I looked at John and said, "how in the world could we do this if we had kids?"  I have a huge amount of respect for families with working parents who are in school and raising children.  I literally do.not.know.how.they.do.it.  

We've also been lovingly surrounded by our friends at our church and I know we are upheld often in prayer.  One sweet friend, knowing that we haven't had a lot of nights of home-cooked meals lately, brought us a turkey and veggie stirfry the other night during our small group.  She said she figured we were getting sick of frozen pizza or going out to eat :)  Delish!

Positivity can be a rare commodity for me these days, but I really want need to end on something positive.  I need more positivity in my life and I need to get into the discipline of forcing optimism to fit into my daily routine.  I guess I'll just say that we think the work will be worth it in the end.  And if not, then we've definitely both honed and developed a strong work ethic during these hard times!  I also appreciate that I can use this blog as a place to vent or get my feelings out without worrying that you, my friends, will judge me, admonish me for moping, overreact, or just think I'm going crazy (okay, so maybe y'all do think that last bit). 
Here are the most important points:

• I have a job
• I think I am learning about myself and what my natural gifts might be (albeit learning the hard way)
  
• I get to learn neat information
• I have a loving home and have an amazing husband
• We're part of a supportive church community of our best friends
• I can use this blog to express my feelings

Somehow seeing it all written out like that does wonders for my feelings of gratitude.  Life is a little frantic right now, but it's ours, and it's special, and it's worth it.

My Life

Working full time in a confused and overwhelmed office where everyone is new at their jobs

Physically aching because that's just what my body does under stress

Learning new people, new structure, totally new job (Financial Aid for a liberal arts major?)

New expectations/necessity of working super long days (also see point above)

Not having time to cook

Going to school full time (class on weekends, reading/writing papers on weeknights) with some doubt about whether it's worth it...

Honestly, I am just completely TIRED of these parts of my life.  Lately I have felt so mind-numbingly weary.  There are days when I think I just can NOT learn one more new thing, concept, process, or even vocabulary word.  In fact, I'm pretty sure my word-a-day calendar at work is still on June 1st.

But.. (and isn't the "but" always the best part in any story?)

Coming home to relax with the best husband in the world - who can make me laugh and feel loved and capable despite all of the above

Getting to talk about our life and our dreams and everything and nothing

Being a listening ear for a very dear friend going through a hard time

AND going out for Mexican food with friends

I'm happy with my life.

Only Bearable

Work lately has been hard.  Really hard.

In the fall, our department found out that we would be part of a new unit at our university.  New leadership would be brought in to handle the restructuring and the future.  It was made clear that in the restructuring, jobs would be lost.  We were told that every one of us would have to apply for the new jobs, as our current jobs would cease.  Hard news to hear.

As the months passed, our close-knit department moved from shock, to speculation of how things might work, to impatience, to denial of how much would really change.  I think we might've gone through the stages of grief backwards.  Most of the time, we were honestly just too busy to really think about it.  It weighed on the back of my mind, coloring my memories of the school year with a foreboding gray.  I convinced myself that "change could be a good thing" to battle my fear.

I have spent the past few months vacillating between stressed (will I have a job?) and impatient (why the heck don't I know yet whether I will have a job?!).  Finally, I felt at peace with either outcome.

In the past few weeks, we've seen the new leadership more, applied and interviewed for the new positions, heard words like "streamline" and "automate processes," and waited for the other shoe to drop.  Last week, it fell.

I have a job.

Many of my friends don't.

Work lately has been really hard.  Emotions are high.  People are hurting...and sometimes hurtful.  I'm grateful to be employed, but the whole process deeply impacted my belief in the institution.  I struggle to be excited about the new opportunity.  I grieve for my friends and for that special something we had as an office that has been crushed by the changes.  I know the process is for the long range improvement of the school, and I do believe some change was needed, but I wish I could see the end goal.  I don't believe any person or institution deserves unquestioned faith.  I ask "why" a lot.

But God deserves my unquestioned faith.  And even when most of us just want to be out of the whole situation, God is in it.  In the mess.  I've been clinging to a quote Tim Keller wrote in Prodigal God: "When you see what God has done for you, it makes the worst times bearable and the best times leave-able."  I'm starting to really appreciate the many months that I've spent over the last year struggling with breaking out of the sinful thinking that my job somehow defines me...that it is not enough...that I am not enough.  My job doesn't define me and --poof! -- I could lose it tomorrow.

What God has done for me is all I have.

I'm Still Here!

Sorry I've been so bad about posting lately.  I had to actually get out my planner to see what the heck I've been so busy doing for the last month.  It's honestly quite a blur.

Turns out that mostly I just worked, nothing too exciting.  Since I work at a small college the beginning of a new school year was pretty busy at work!  I did go to Greenville at the end of August to visit my family and see my 1 niece and 5 nephews.  That was fun!  In the past month I've also run/walked a 5K, attended a really fun girls' night party, helped with a fairly elaborate birthday celebration for a co-worker, and hosted our small group from church.  Also, I've started taking an education class -- it's actually only 1 night a week, but it's been fairly time-consuming with the homework, papers, group work, required online forum posting, etc.  It's also the first class that I've ever had that required a full weekend "retreat!"  That's a first!!  Oh, I guess the other things we've had going on were John's first P3 exam block, hanging out with friends a good bit, and finally having our kitchen ceiling replaced after it fell in.  I can't remember if I ever posted pictures, but if not I will soon.

Okay, tonight I seem to be into exclamation points, so that's probably a sign that I'm tired and need to stop posting...

Thankful Thursdays

I want to copy Becca and start posting weekly "Thankful Thursdays" - just listing a few things I'm thankful for every Thursday.  I've enjoyed reading these lists on her blog and others, and it always reminds me to live my life in constant gratitude.

Also, we've been working through Colossians lately at church and Col. 3: 15-17 jumped out at me.  I'm posting it here from The Message.  I'm not usually a huge Message fan, but lately I've enjoyed reading it as a variation.  It's nice to hear Bible passages that you hear often -- that become almost rote -- in different words.  Makes it sink in differently.

"Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way."

I'm thankful for:
1. My wonderful husband, who made me a peanut butter and honey sandwich foldover this morning as I was running late and trying to get out the door.
2.  The laugh that I had when I realized (in the work parking lot) that somehow I had gotten sticky honey on the arm of my sunglasses and, hence, down the side of my face!  Don't really know how that happened unless I was holding my sunglasses and my foldover in the same hand as I left the house...
3. A job.  I'd be thankful for any work in this economy, but I'm especially thankful to be working with encouraging co-workers.
4. The start of the summer.  I'm so thankful that John's P2 year is finished.  Of course, now he's working 32-40 hour weeks at Walgreens, but that's nothing compared to the hours he put into his spring term.  At least when he leaves the WAG he doesn't have to come home and do tons of studying!  By the way - he would never brag for himself so I'll brag for him -- he made all A's this past semester- the hardest semester he's ever had (20 semester hours of grad classes) and he made all A's!!
5. My family.  I'm going to get to see at least my mom and dad over this Memorial Day weekend and hopefully more relatives.  I have the best family in the world.
6.  A car that works.  My Honda has 224,519 miles on it -- I'm not exaggerating, that is the true and accurate odometer reading -- and ole' Betsy is still going strong *knock on wood*!  Although I do need an oil change so we won't be taking my car to SC this time.
7.  A great local public library!

And 475 Days Later....

I've decided to come back to my blog. 

John has been getting on to me about not blogging, and every excuse I have been using is now void.  Hopefully as I explain my excuses and the reasons that they are now worthless, I will also be catching everyone up on some of the things that have been going on for the past year.  Warning:  this will be long.

"Oh, I don't have any time" - well, I (mainly) only work 1 job now.  Whoo-hooo!
If you know me, you may know that in the past 1 year and 9 months that I have been married and living in TN, I have been unemployed and then worked 4 different jobs.  For almost 2 months, I couldn't find a job.  Job searching is very hard for me because I don't have a career "field" or really know what I want to do with the rest of my life.  So, it's hard to narrow down which jobs to research, what to apply for, what to pass over, etc.  It can be completely overwhelming!  It was also terrible timing for job-hunting in the fields I thought I might be interested in.  At first I thought I might want to work in public health/city planning, and that I would try to find an entry level or assistant type job in a real estate office or for a non-profit....right as the recession really hit.  Who was hit first?  Real estate.  Who cut jobs next?  Non-profits and local or city goverments.  So it was back to the drawing board. 
I eventually found the medical marketing job that was mentioned below and we mutually agreed that I would work 3 months as a full-time 'contract' employee before going full-time for real.  Well, after just over 3 months I was ready to move on to something different.  Amazing surgeon, but not the best office environment.  During this time, I had picked up some evening seasonal retail work at a cute gift store named Swoozie's.  I thought Swoozie's probably wouldn't need me after Christmas, so I lined up part-time work at the local YMCA to work during their big season:  New Year's Resolution time.  Somehow, for short time (maybe a month and a half?), I ended up working all 3 jobs: full-time office job in the day, gift store in the evening, and YMCA on weekends.  John and I decided it would be safe for me to quit a full-time job since I had 2 part-time jobs to fall back on, so I took the leap and quit -- exhilarating!  Amazingly, Swoozie's was able to bring me on full-time after that, so I worked full-time there and a couple of mornings a week at the Y.  I liked what I was doing, but that was a fairly hard time to keep in touch with anyone because I was pretty much working at one job or the other mornings/days/nights/weekends/holidays...you name it.  So at one point I did have a fairly valid excuse of no time.  In February of this year I started a new full-time job at a small Christian university.  I have a real, grown-up job again!  Sadly Swoozie's is going out of business, so lately I have been going back to work a few weekends with them as they go through the liquidation process but that won't last for much longer.
 
"Oh, I don't have a computer" - well, that was quite a debacle, but it's solved now. 
Shortly after we moved to TN my laptop died and we started saving up for a new laptop for me.  Well, around last October or November we were finally able to get me a new laptop -- a beautiful Mac!  Unfortunately, on the night of the Super Bowl, John's laptop was stolen out of his car, so he now uses my laptop for school and we attempt to share it in the evenings.  But, since I do sit for hours staring at a computer screen at work now... 

"Oh, I don't know what to say" or "Oh, there's nothing new to talk about" - well, I'm sure I've done or thought SOMETHING worth mentioning in the last 475 days!  But this blog post will be long enough already.

"Oh, maybe we should start a new blog together" - well, we tried that here and discovered that John has no personal interest in blogging, he just wants to encourage me to write my thoughts in my own venue.  Which is another reason I came back to this blog instead of the one we started together.  [Besides, I felt bad about stealing Needtobreathe lyrics.]  This was a blog that I successfully updated for quite a while, and it was a great outlet for me.  Hopefully I'll be able to get back into the routine of updating, and maybe make a few changes - like updating the blogroll (many of those links aren't good right now!) or giving it a blog face-lift.  But I don't think I'll change the name or start a new blog for now.  Even though Glad Oaks is no more, where I'm from is still a big part of who I am. 

So we'll see where this goes!

Nashville Update

We're doing pretty well up here in Nashville. Our apartment is great and we're starting to connect with a few great people and form some friendships -- although we could definitely use some more friends and contacts here in the city, especially for me! John is enjoying pharmacy school and has met some great people in his program. We're still trying to settle on a church, but we've tried several and we know which ones warrant another visit. We only have 2-3 left on our list to try for the first time. It's very disheartening to visit a church where no one talks to you or even realizes that you are a first-time visitor -- it definitely makes me mourn for lost opportunities to meet visitors when I was at Redeemer! I wish I had been more outgoing to others -- maybe it's just 'karma' that we're not greeted now :)

I started a job a few weeks ago doing marketing for a specialty medical practice. I'm not sure if this job is the best fit for me, so if anyone reads my blog, I would definitely appreciate much prayer on this matter. I feel very lost in this job. It feels very stressful and chaotic to me. I think I would feel a little more grounded here if:

-the office technology actually worked (as in, I could use my computer or send a document to the printer without seeming like an idiot because I don't know their constant 'band-aids' to make a broken system work)
-(related) if I could check my work email at work
-(related) if I had a phone at work so I didn't have to use up my (*precious*valuable*) cell phone minutes
-(related) if I knew enough about technology to fix the strange hosting issues with our website (which would be a valuable marketing resource!)
-if I knew more about marketing or had more experience to build on or a little more direction given
-if I knew more about the Nashville healthcare market or had more relationships to build on
-if the job fit the description a little better (more community outreach and programming, less sales)
-if I had ever wanted to be a pharm rep, because that's essentially what medical marketing is
-it would help if the physicians involved in the practice wanted similar goals out of their overall marketing plan

I think I'll really like the position once I get my feet on the ground a bit. Prayers and suggestions are always appreciated!

Well, it's definitely starting to feel very real now...

I have 82 days until I throw what my sister-in-law Sara calls "the biggest celebration of your life," start our marriage (wow!), take a cool trip, move to another state, settle into new digs, and find a new job in a city where I know almost no one. Whew - that's a lot of changes!
The countdown is on!
I went to see John this weekend in Tennessee, and we had a great time goofing off and hanging out. We didn't take care of many wedding details though, and it kind of hit me on the 5.5 hour drive home alone just how much is left to do! It was great to not think about much wedding stuff for the weekend though. I got there very early Friday so we could hang out for a while. Then I took a nap, went to see a movie, AND had my nails done while he went in to work Friday afternoon, so that was relaxing! On Saturday John drove me around Nashville to show me where his pharmacy school is located, and we looked around for apartments in that area. Great to see the school, slightly daunting to see the apartment prices! I'm glad John's taking care of finding us our new place so that I don't have to worry about that. We hung out with his family and some of our friends on Saturday night at the neighborhood sports bar/restaurant where his sister works.
Now it's back to the real world and the work grind...I've got a lot to get done this week!

This Week's Company Supply List

I'm about to place an order for the items below from Office Depot for the office this week:
Softsoap handsoap refill (gallon)
Small paper clips
Dishwasher detergent
Canned air
Pencil lead for a Pentel 5
2G thumbdrive
Bulk paper towels

Work items to purchase from Publix:
Nice tea bags for the kitchen
Starbucks coffee for the kitchen
Gummy orange slices (for me!)

Seriously, guys. It was either that or hear about the wedding, because work and wedding have been keeping me BUSY lately! Please feel free to send me any suggestions for future Tuesday lists.