Divine Discontent

Recently in a meeting someone I respect mentioned offhand that they think that discontentment is not always a bad thing - that sometimes God uses "divine discontent" to move us into another direction.  The comment was not directed to me, but it really gave a name to some of the things I'm really struggling with lately.  Contentment.  Calling.  Exhaustion.  Mission.

I have so many questions.  Does divine discontent exist, where God is moving you or speaking to you through your uneasiness, or is all discontentment a sin?  This was a new concept for me because I grew up thinking that you are supposed to be content and grateful in all circumstances, etc.  If it does exist, how do you know the difference between discontent that should be moving you in a certain direction, or just being discouraged?

How do you know if it's God telling you something through your discontent, or just plain burnout?

It's been a hard year for me, and I haven't really discovered the "growth" or answers out of the difficulties yet, but I know I will see more in hindsight.  In 2011, I've: 

• started a masters program
• worried if I would have a job
• obtained and learned a new position in a new environment with new co-workers (at the same workplace as before)
• experienced some troubling health issues (at 27 I'm taking 5 different pills each night)
• struggled with my calling

I've been far more exhausted this year with one office job (and school) than I ever was with multiple on-my-feet retail jobs.  I've worked a lot of hours, and the extra hours definitely do not equate to extra money the way they would in retail!

I'm fine with working hard -- and I expect to work hard.  I don't think life will ever suddenly be easy, whether I'm working many hours on the job, working in a "dream" job in a chosen career field, working in a creative field, working for myself, working 24/7 as a mom one day, whether enjoying or not enjoying my work, any situation I can imagine.  It will be hard because it's a fallen world.  But God gave us work before the Fall.  I know that God made us to work, and that work can be very hard but glorifying to Him.

But I am tired of more of the same with no refreshment or reprieve.  Physically, yes, I am tired and my body is breaking down under the stress, but emotionally, I am weary.  I have realized lately that I am sort of emotionally "turned off" lately...and, worse, disgustingly self-absorbed.  I'm not sure if I'm discontent or just selfish.  I've been failing to take in God's glory in all the little ways that it is demonstrated all around me.  I've failed to give emotional energy to building and nurturing relationships.  I've failed to see beauty in little things as a reflection of their Creator, which I believe is one of my greatest gifts and my soul's greatest yearning.  I drove to work today and realized for the FIRST TIME this fall that the leaves are changing.  It's October 27th -- many of the leaves are actually off of the trees by now -- and I hadn't even noticed.  I missed the changing of the seasons.  I'm not sure where I was.

I'm praying this week that I would be open to God's messages and His Story in every form, whether through His Word, His fingerprints of beauty in creation, or stirrings in my tired heart.

More of the same

I wish I could pop by and update and say that all is well and everything got better after the last post.  But I can't.

The truth is I'm still stressed...still having a hard time adjusting to the changes in my role and my department...and still just plain ol' exhausted.  Work is really hard right now.  My job isn't a particularly natural fit for me, so I often feel like I work and work and work...and end up back at square one.  It's like continually feeling a bit behind and a little bit scared of what each phone call might bring.  Can't say I don't occasionally indulge a panic attack or depressed mood :)   

School is pretty tough right now too.  You know it's not a good sign when the professor starts the class with "I'm so glad this class falls in the summer so that you guys aren't working right now and can spend the time on this class instead" (most of my classmates are teachers and therefore have summers off).  Unfortunately -- well, fortunately for our rent! -- I am working, so it has meant a lot of late nights and time spent in the library.  I'm currently on page 72 of an assignment due tomorrow, and I have a good bit left to complete this evening.  (It is already officially the longest assignment I've ever written -- especially written within 3 weeks!  I think that my reflections assignment after foreign study in 2006 was about 60 pages, but that was reflecting on a semester's worth of experiences!)  I do enjoy and see the usefulness of what I am learning in this course - and the whole program.  I'm really optimistic that this might be a good long-term field for me in future years, but I'm a little apprehensive about job prospects and red tape after speaking with a librarian friend of mine recently.  She wants out - to have babies and avoid the bureaucracy and pressure of high states testing.   (An aside: I hate to see people who are gifted and passionate educators that are absolutely great at what they do, burn out or give up due to the culture of public education sometimes.)

Home life, while incredibly loving and supportive, is a little hard to come by these days, what with my weird workload and school-load, and John's weird schedule on his current rotation.  He's in bed by 9 pm and up at 4:30 am these days (like an old man) so he can make it to his rotation at Vandy by 6 am every day.  We haven't gone to sleep or gotten up at the same time in a month.  But, we've made a point to try to hang out every night, even if we only cross paths for an hour or 2 in the evening.  The other night I looked at John and said, "how in the world could we do this if we had kids?"  I have a huge amount of respect for families with working parents who are in school and raising children.  I literally do.not.know.how.they.do.it.  

We've also been lovingly surrounded by our friends at our church and I know we are upheld often in prayer.  One sweet friend, knowing that we haven't had a lot of nights of home-cooked meals lately, brought us a turkey and veggie stirfry the other night during our small group.  She said she figured we were getting sick of frozen pizza or going out to eat :)  Delish!

Positivity can be a rare commodity for me these days, but I really want need to end on something positive.  I need more positivity in my life and I need to get into the discipline of forcing optimism to fit into my daily routine.  I guess I'll just say that we think the work will be worth it in the end.  And if not, then we've definitely both honed and developed a strong work ethic during these hard times!  I also appreciate that I can use this blog as a place to vent or get my feelings out without worrying that you, my friends, will judge me, admonish me for moping, overreact, or just think I'm going crazy (okay, so maybe y'all do think that last bit). 
Here are the most important points:

• I have a job
• I think I am learning about myself and what my natural gifts might be (albeit learning the hard way)
  
• I get to learn neat information
• I have a loving home and have an amazing husband
• We're part of a supportive church community of our best friends
• I can use this blog to express my feelings

Somehow seeing it all written out like that does wonders for my feelings of gratitude.  Life is a little frantic right now, but it's ours, and it's special, and it's worth it.

My Life

Working full time in a confused and overwhelmed office where everyone is new at their jobs

Physically aching because that's just what my body does under stress

Learning new people, new structure, totally new job (Financial Aid for a liberal arts major?)

New expectations/necessity of working super long days (also see point above)

Not having time to cook

Going to school full time (class on weekends, reading/writing papers on weeknights) with some doubt about whether it's worth it...

Honestly, I am just completely TIRED of these parts of my life.  Lately I have felt so mind-numbingly weary.  There are days when I think I just can NOT learn one more new thing, concept, process, or even vocabulary word.  In fact, I'm pretty sure my word-a-day calendar at work is still on June 1st.

But.. (and isn't the "but" always the best part in any story?)

Coming home to relax with the best husband in the world - who can make me laugh and feel loved and capable despite all of the above

Getting to talk about our life and our dreams and everything and nothing

Being a listening ear for a very dear friend going through a hard time

AND going out for Mexican food with friends

I'm happy with my life.

Only Bearable

Work lately has been hard.  Really hard.

In the fall, our department found out that we would be part of a new unit at our university.  New leadership would be brought in to handle the restructuring and the future.  It was made clear that in the restructuring, jobs would be lost.  We were told that every one of us would have to apply for the new jobs, as our current jobs would cease.  Hard news to hear.

As the months passed, our close-knit department moved from shock, to speculation of how things might work, to impatience, to denial of how much would really change.  I think we might've gone through the stages of grief backwards.  Most of the time, we were honestly just too busy to really think about it.  It weighed on the back of my mind, coloring my memories of the school year with a foreboding gray.  I convinced myself that "change could be a good thing" to battle my fear.

I have spent the past few months vacillating between stressed (will I have a job?) and impatient (why the heck don't I know yet whether I will have a job?!).  Finally, I felt at peace with either outcome.

In the past few weeks, we've seen the new leadership more, applied and interviewed for the new positions, heard words like "streamline" and "automate processes," and waited for the other shoe to drop.  Last week, it fell.

I have a job.

Many of my friends don't.

Work lately has been really hard.  Emotions are high.  People are hurting...and sometimes hurtful.  I'm grateful to be employed, but the whole process deeply impacted my belief in the institution.  I struggle to be excited about the new opportunity.  I grieve for my friends and for that special something we had as an office that has been crushed by the changes.  I know the process is for the long range improvement of the school, and I do believe some change was needed, but I wish I could see the end goal.  I don't believe any person or institution deserves unquestioned faith.  I ask "why" a lot.

But God deserves my unquestioned faith.  And even when most of us just want to be out of the whole situation, God is in it.  In the mess.  I've been clinging to a quote Tim Keller wrote in Prodigal God: "When you see what God has done for you, it makes the worst times bearable and the best times leave-able."  I'm starting to really appreciate the many months that I've spent over the last year struggling with breaking out of the sinful thinking that my job somehow defines me...that it is not enough...that I am not enough.  My job doesn't define me and --poof! -- I could lose it tomorrow.

What God has done for me is all I have.

Not a Piece of Cake

I recently completed the Wilton Method Level One (Cake Basics) class at my local Michael's.  A few of my girlfriends from church convinced me to take it with them.  It was fun -- I often referred to my class sessions as "finger painting for adults" or "playing with my food" -- but it was definitely a lot of work.  I'm not much of a baker AT ALL, so preparing cupcakes or cakes and multiple batches of icing for the class was quite time-consuming for me.  We had a week between each session but of course I procrastinated -- who wants week-old cake?  I did have to plan ahead enough to borrow the necessary cake pans from a friend!

But, I learned a LOT in the class and had a good time socializing with the ladies in the class and playing with mixing colors, learning to create flowers, etc.  Here are a few pictures of my creations!

 

Like the cake says and the weather lately has proven: "Welcome, Spring!"

Up to Something

Sorry for the long blog absence.  I won't really promise to catch you up on what's been going on in our lives, because overall it's been more of the same: marriage, work, pharmacy school, church, friends, and, of course, the occasional "what is my purpose?" mental breakdown from yours truly. 

As I was driving to work today I heard this song from Sanctus Real for like the millionth time, but this time I really listened to the lyrics.  They are just spot-on for where I am right now, so I wanted to share:

SANCTUS REAL: "Something Heavenly"

It's time for healing, time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender to

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
YOU'RE UP TO SOMETHING BIGGER THAN ME
Larger than life, something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out