The truth is I'm still stressed...still having a hard time adjusting to the changes in my role and my department...and still just plain ol' exhausted. Work is really hard right now. My job isn't a particularly natural fit for me, so I often feel like I work and work and work...and end up back at square one. It's like continually feeling a bit behind and a little bit scared of what each phone call might bring. Can't say I don't occasionally indulge a panic attack or depressed mood :)
School is pretty tough right now too. You know it's not a good sign when the professor starts the class with "I'm so glad this class falls in the summer so that you guys aren't working right now and can spend the time on this class instead" (most of my classmates are teachers and therefore have summers off). Unfortunately -- well, fortunately for our rent! -- I am working, so it has meant a lot of late nights and time spent in the library. I'm currently on page 72 of an assignment due tomorrow, and I have a good bit left to complete this evening. (It is already officially the longest assignment I've ever written -- especially written within 3 weeks! I think that my reflections assignment after foreign study in 2006 was about 60 pages, but that was reflecting on a semester's worth of experiences!) I do enjoy and see the usefulness of what I am learning in this course - and the whole program. I'm really optimistic that this might be a good long-term field for me in future years, but I'm a little apprehensive about job prospects and red tape after speaking with a librarian friend of mine recently. She wants out - to have babies and avoid the bureaucracy and pressure of high states testing. (An aside: I hate to see people who are gifted and passionate educators that are absolutely great at what they do, burn out or give up due to the culture of public education sometimes.)
Home life, while incredibly loving and supportive, is a little hard to come by these days, what with my weird workload and school-load, and John's weird schedule on his current rotation. He's in bed by 9 pm and up at 4:30 am these days (like an old man) so he can make it to his rotation at Vandy by 6 am every day. We haven't gone to sleep or gotten up at the same time in a month. But, we've made a point to try to hang out every night, even if we only cross paths for an hour or 2 in the evening. The other night I looked at John and said, "how in the world could we do this if we had kids?" I have a huge amount of respect for families with working parents who are in school and raising children. I literally do.not.know.how.they.do.it.
We've also been lovingly surrounded by our friends at our church and I know we are upheld often in prayer. One sweet friend, knowing that we haven't had a lot of nights of home-cooked meals lately, brought us a turkey and veggie stirfry the other night during our small group. She said she figured we were getting sick of frozen pizza or going out to eat :) Delish!
Positivity can be a rare commodity for me these days, but I really
Here are the most important points:
- I have a job
- I think I am learning about myself and what my natural gifts might be (albeit learning the hard way)
- I get to learn neat information
- I have a loving home and have an amazing husband
- We're part of a supportive church community of our best friends
- I can use this blog to express my feelings
Somehow seeing it all written out like that does wonders for my feelings of gratitude. Life is a little frantic right now, but it's ours, and it's special, and it's worth it.
1 comment:
I'm glad you shared. I think its a healing experience to get it out and able to read it again and look at all the positives. I know you have been stressed lately, but I'm amazed at how well you are handling it all.
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